The End of Counting Calories

I've been calorie counting and dieting for the past 7 years. It's worked great for me in the past. It helped me get to my all time low weight of 165. However, I still gained weight back. I still feel obsessive about food. I still let my mood be dependent upon what the scale says that morning. I still emotionally eat. Calorie counting has helped me, but I'm beginning to realize it's not the answer to my journey to living a healthy and happier life.

I've reached a point in my life where calorie counting just isn't working for me anymore. If I really think about it, did it ever really work for me? Yes, it got me down to my lowest weight, but was I happy? Was it the best thing for me? Was it maintainable? I don't know. When I look back at my history of dieting and counting calories, I'm not sure it was that healthy.

I understand why counting calories works. Calories in vs. calories out. Basic math. I don't regret learning about calories because it really helped me recognize that I was having portions that were WAY too big and I could eat a lot more healthy foods that would equal the same calories as a tiny serving of junk food. I just became way too obsessed with the numbers.

Too many numbers!

I let all these numbers dictate how I could eat for the rest of the day. If I only had 200 calories left after lunch, then I would eat a tiny salad for dinner even if I was STARVING. I was ignoring how my body felt and strictly relying on the numbers! I would freak out I had to go eat at a restaurant because I wouldn't be able to know exactly how many calories I ate. I became obsessed with measuring everything out. Exactly 1 cup of cereal, with exactly 0.5 cup of milk with exactly 0.25 cup of blueberries. It was exhausting. I also am recognizing that realistically I can't count calories forever! I already know how out of control I feel when I go on vacation or out of town for a few days and I'm away from my phone's app or calorie counting websites on my laptop. Sure, calorie counting worked for me on my own, but what happens when I have children? I won't be able to obsess over my foods then. I don't want to! I don't want to teach me kids to have the same hangups about food that I do. It's time to stop calorie counting. It's just what I need to do right now.

I recently started reading a book called Intuitive Eating after seeing a recommendation on a blog. It really hit home for me. I follows 10 principles which I'm going to outline in my upcoming blog entries so I can talk about my experiences with each of them. I'm excited about posting more and updating my readers (if I have any?) about my life right now! For now - I'd really recommend reading Intuitive Eating if you're sick of counting calories, obsessing over food and being on one too many DIETS!

2012 Goals

I know I haven't posted a lot on this blog lately, but I'm ready to re-commit myself for 2012. I can't believe another year is gone but I'm excited for 2012 and all the amazing changes that will happen!

These are some of the goals that I am committing to accomplishing in 2012!

2012 is going to be amazing!

Fitness/Health Goals:

• Lose 60 pounds
• Start running again
• Workout at least 3x/week

Professional Goals

• Find a great job after receiving my Social Work degree in April
  (That's my only real professional goal for 2012. I can't wait to be done school!)

Personal Goals

• Pay off a large portion of our debt before I have to start paying back my student loan in December
• Prepare body, mind, relationship and finances for eventual pregnancy
• Create a wardrobe that is professional and feminine

My main goals for 2012 are losing weight and gaining more confidence, starting my social work career and starting to plan for having getting married/buying a house/having a baby. I think 2012 is going to be a big year of change and amazing things in my life! I can't wait!

Update on Life

My last update filled everyone in on the stress I've been dealing with from not finding a job for the summer. Luckily things have changed!

I finally got a call back for a job at a clothing store! I got hired a couple days after my interview! Although I was really excited to finally have a job, I wasn't psyched about where it was. Since you are selling clothes and giving people advice or feedback on what they're wearing, I was worried. I am not good with fashion sense at all! I've spend most of my life living in jeans and hoodies. It's not that I don't like fashion, but since I've been overweight my whole life, I could never find clothes that fit me. Since I've been dressing casually or in boyish clothes most of my life I didn't really pay attention to fashion or girly clothes. So, I knew this job would be a challenge.

I think I'll leave the fashion tips to Stacey and Clinton.

But, I had no other options. It was a job! Part of the job required wearing the store's clothes and looking nice and fashionable at all times. I immediately had to go out and buy a few things since I currently only owned 1 dressy outfit (reserved for special events or weddings). The job itself was alright. However, I had a hard time telling women that things were too tight on them. I know they wanted honesty, but how do you nicely tell someone that we don't have a size that will fit them? It was a little tough for me to give my honest opinion because I know how hard and stressful it can be to find clothes when you're a bigger girl. However, after I got the call that I was hired at this store, something else happened...


I applied for a government placement program for students at the beginning of the year. They try to place you in a field related to your schooling and the government pays half your wage! However, the process in randomized when picking students to fill the spots. I didn't get any calls back in May, so I emailed them to ask if there was any jobs related to Social Services. They said there were a few spots left and they would let me know. They emailed me back in a couple days and basically told me to update my resume to be more broad so I could possibly get a job that wasn't in the social service field. So, I was doubtful that I wouldn't get a job through the program.

BUT, fast forward back to the same day that I got hired at the clothing store. I got an email from a supervisor who worked at Social Services. They had an opening! I had an interview and I waited over a week to hear back. But luckily, I GOT THE JOB! It's a full-time position, it's great pay, I have weekends off (for the first time EVER) and it's related to my field! I was even excited to get my own cubicle!

Now I just need my own bobble-head to put on my desk.

I had to quit the clothing store (they were really understanding) and I started my new job last Monday! It's been interesting so far. You really get thrown into it and see how social workers and clients are in the real world. It's been really eye-opening for me. My job is a little boring because I'm just a summer student so I usually do data entry and random tasks, but it'll be great for my resume!

So, that's how things have been going so far. I'm so happy to have a job and can't wait to get my first paycheck!

As for my healthy living progress, I will update more on that in another post!

My Love Affair With Running.

Running is amazing.

My love affair with running has had lots of ups and down. My first experience with running was in 2008 when I decided to start the C25K program after I found out my 50 year old Dad had started jogging in the morning before work. I thought if he can do it, why can't I? I never had any interest in running before that. Long walks - sure? Short random bursts of running once in a while - maybe? But actual dedicated, focused running - NO THANKS! I was a big girl and most of my workouts were indoors where people could not see me being a hot sweaty mess. But I decided to change all that and just TRY it. Why not?

The first attempt at C25K went well. It was a struggle at first, I was a lot lighter than I am now and I made it all the way through to the end of the program. After I was done though, I kinda lost interest because I didn't have a weekly goal any more.

The next spring I decided to start running again. I didn't start from the beginning again, since I had been doing other workouts through the fall and winter. So I began by running 2 miles and worked my way up. It was probably my best year for running. One weekend my Dad came down and we went for a morning run and near the end we (for some stupid reason) decided to sprint toward the end of our trail. A couple days later, I was in a lot of pain. I found out I had over-extended my knee but hadn't done any significant damage. I had to wear a cheap knee sleeve type thing for a week until my knee felt better. I took some time off from working out and gave up running for that summer.

Last summer we moved to a new apartment and there was a beautiful trail behind our building. I was so excited to get running again! But now I was 25 pounds heavier! I decided to start the C25K program from the beginning again. It was a lot harder to do with the extra weight but I pushed through. I was on the 8th week and went for a run in the rain. Somehow, during the run I injured my upper thigh/butt muscle. It was really painful that day and I didn't go to a hospital (which I should have!). For weeks my muscle really hurt and it hindered my weight loss because I couldn't work out. I was down 14 pounds at this point and I just gave up.

So where am I at now? Well, now I'm up at my highest weight in a long time. Even though I wanted to get back to losing weight, I decided I wouldn't try running this spring. I didn't want to get injured again! Someone had told me that she couldn't understand why so many people run when it's so hard on the body. I decided I would just walk instead. I walked a lot and listened to some good podcasts. (I really recommend Fat 2 Fit) But I missed running! I missed the feeling of running. I got jealous when I saw the fit people speeding past me. So...I decided to start running again! The truth is, when I'm running I'm really happy! I don't focus on weight loss, I just focus on my goals. I can see my progress and I feel great knowing that I can run a certain distance. It's definitely a challenge with this added weight, but I'm taking it really slow.

I'm hoping there will be no injuries this time around. I want to really focus on going slow, stretches and stopping if I feel any pain. What can I say, I LOVE RUNNING.

Getting Through The Tough Times.

So things have not been going great in my life right now. Mostly due to the fact that I finished school in April but have not been able to find a job for the summer. I have been unemployed for over a month now.

Oh dragon, I know exactly how you feel.

At first I was being picky trying to find a job that would be good experience for my resume (I'm a Social Work student), but after that didn't work out, I started applying everywhere! I couldn't even get a call for an interview! Apparently lots of people are struggling to find jobs this summer. That doesn't really make me feel better though. Not only has it been a struggle financially, but it has put a lot of pressure on my boyfriend supporting us. I also haven't been focusing on weight loss and I'm generally feeling bored, depressed and frustrated. It's tough, but I'm trying really hard to stay positive. I've even started running again (more on that in my next post), and I'm starting track my calories again. I'm hoping that by making myself feel mentally better, I can think positive and focus on my job search more! Hopefully something will come up soon!

Thanks for everyone who has checked out my blog so far!

Reasons for Losing Weight

Before I start posting about anything else, I wanted to come up with a list of why I want to start this healthy living journey. I thought this would be a good first post that I can constantly refer to when I feel that I am lacking motivation.

1. BE HEALTHY - The main reason I want lose weight is so I can become healthy. It may be hard to define what healthy is, but I just want to feel better. In reality it's not just about losing weight but more about feeling better, feeling more fit and just feeling HAPPIER about who I am and how I look.
2. MORE CONFIDENCE - I just want to feel good about myself. I don't want to constantly worry about what I do or what I say or how I look. I want to be able to let my personality shine through without having fear or what others will think about me.
3. LOOK HOT! - Well, doesn't everyone want to look hot? But it's not just about being hot. I want to dress how I want, not based on my size. I want to wear t-shirts and shorts in the summer so I'm not sweating and looking stupid in a hoodie and baggy pants. I want to go into "normal" stores to buy clothes. I'm sick of how I dress, I want to actually have decent clothes to wear and some real style!
4. MOTIVATE OTHERS - I know you not supposed to lose weight for anyone but yourself, but I want to be a good example. I want to make my Dad proud and I want to show my kids one day how to live a healthy life! 
   
5. STOP BEING A COUCH POTATO - I'm so sick of spending summers indoors parked on the couch! I want to go outside and enjoy the sun! I want to go for walks, go biking, go running, go camping, go swimming and do all the fun things that don't involve a television or a computer!
6. STOP FEELING LIKE A FAILURE - My weight has yo-yo'ed a lot over the past few years and I just recently gained back a lot of weight (something I swore I would never let happen!) The guilt and feeling like a failure can really take a toll on someone's self-esteem. I want to be proud of my success and my accomplishments despite my setbacks.
7. EMBRACE LIFE - There is so much I feel that I'm putting on hold until I lose weight (getting married, having children, going out with friends). I don't want to put my life on hold while I strive to be skinny. I just want to be happier so I can embrace my life NOW.
8. LIMIT JUNK FOOD - I love food. I love junk food (especially chips). But it's not that good. Honestly, junk food doesn't even taste that good. I mostly eat it because I'm bored, especially when I eat chips. I do not need to mindlessly snack on a family size bag of chips every night. It's ridiculous. I know I can't eliminate junk food (as I first titled this reason), but I know if I lose weight and eat healthy, I won't crave the crap anymore!
9. MORE ENERGY - We live on the 3rd floor of our apartment building and every time I walk up the 3 flights of stairs, I'm always out of breath! I want to walk up the stairs with no problem! I also don't want to sleep all day. What a waste! When I was losing weight before, I would wake up at 5:30 and go running! I want to feel that good again.
10. IMPROVED RELATIONSHIPS - There is a lot of fighting that goes on between me and my boyfriend over my weight. I get stressed about it and take it out on him. It's hard because I've been struggling with it for so long and I'm constantly talking to him about it. Not only do I want to improve my relationship with my boyfriend but also with my friends. I don't want to feel like "the fat friend". I don't want to avoid going out with friends because I have nothing to wear or feel gross. I want to have good relationships with everyone!

I'm sure there's a ton more of reasons for why I want to start this new journey, but the real reason is just HAPPINESS. I want to smile more and be healthy and happy!

I miss seeing this smiling face in the mirror!

Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue to stop by my blog in the future!